We now join the 2008 Republican National Convention, already in progress...

...forever and ever, amen.

Thanks for joining us in that prayer for our troops and the victims of 9/11, everyone. Now we'd like to tell you about our candidate, John McCain.

John McCain wasn't always a senator. No! He was also in the Navy. It's not talked about much, but he was taken hostage by the Viet Cong for 5 1/2 long years. But even when they offered to let him go, he refused because he didn't want to leave his fellow soldiers behind. Now that's a man of character. Yes, being a P.O.W. really forged incredible character in our candidate, John Sidney McCain.

And now, let's bow our heads again in prayer for the troops, because no one cares like us Republicans. Dear Lord above...

Hey, Republicans! The Dow Jones plunged 200 points the day after Sarah Palin's speech! Home Depot, Delta, and lots of other major companies are having major layoffs! Could you tell us how you plan to stop this?

...amen.

Now let us tell you about our vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin. She's a hockey mom who loves to shoot moose! You know what the difference is in a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick! Ha ha! Ain't that somethin'? Couldn't you hear that joke 100 more times? Well you better hope so, because it's gonna be repeated every fucking time her face turns up on TV!

Hey, did we mention she's hot for a 44-year-old?

Here are her lovely children: Trig, Track, Piper, Spock and Mr. Sulu.

But now, let's remember the victims of 9/11 with another prayer...

Excuse me, Republicans? I sell real estate for a living, but now I'm in danger of losing my own home. Because of the economic slump, I haven't sold a house in five months! What are you going to do to fix our housing market?

...on earth as it is in Heaven, amen.

He's shy to talk about it, but John McCain was a P.O.W. His arms were broken when his plane crashed and he was treated badly, but he still refused an early release from his captors. He's a real war hero. Sarah Palin is a hockey mom who sold the state airplane on E-Bay. Do you know what the difference in a pit bull and a hockey mom is?

Republicans, are you hearing me? The day after McCain's speech it was announced America lost 84,000 jobs in August alone! What do you plan to do?

P.O.W...mooseburgers...hockey...P.O.W...pit bull... mooses... 9/11...lipstick...she's hot...war hero...P.O.W...9/11...Viet Cong... mooseburgers...she's hot...hockey...

Now let's say the Pledge of Allegiance for the fourth time this evening, then follow it with another prayer.

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The Republicans know they hardly have a hope in hell of winning, and the convention showed it. Look at how bare-bones it was: just a big TV screen that, for the most part, displayed what looked like stock clip art out of Microsoft Power Point; a stage; the two greatest ills of modern music, Christian rock and pop-country, and they didn't even spring for the full bands, the singers performed to backup tapes. But if you already know you're about to get blown away, why spend the extra dollar to go first class?

And how about Rudy Giuliani? He really got the crowd going when he said Barack Obama probably thought Wasilla, Alaska wasn't "cosmopolitan." Boy, that downhome Rudy! He sure showed that city slicker, didn't he? But hey, wasn't Rudy mayor of New York? And aren't New Yorkers famous for looking down their noses at everyone, including Chicagoans like Obama? Well, Rudy said himself, "I learned when I was a trial lawyer if you don't have the facts, make them up."

And Bush and Cheney: where were they? Surely the people who've sported those "W, the President" stickers for eight years weren't too embarrassed to invite them to the convention, were they?

C'mon. This whole convention was nothing but saying, "We promise if you give us just one more chance, we'll get it right this time! Our ideas really do work!"

More fun with Republicans on Wednesday. Don't miss it!