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Am I Black?
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 During my brief tenure at Worldcom I was one of only about three white people out of the hundreds of people on my floor. When we all got laid off I joined my training class at Chili's, and a black fellow named Corey stood up with his margarita and said, "I propose we make Art an honorary black man -- just like Bill Clinton!" Even though he was joking around I was really flattered.
Maybe there was something to his proposal, because the pic there, in case you couldn't tell, is Beyonce Knowles. The pic is part of her new spread from the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. I don't know what it is, but something about her...she's got to be one of the hottest women on earth right now, or perhaps ever! I like Vivica Fox, too. Back as a teen Prince's lady friends Vanity and Apollonia got my motor running, as well as Lisa Bonet from the Cosby show. Sure I like your Faith Hill, Hillary Duffs, Carmen Electras and Fergie, but...look at that!
Now Fantasia Barrino isn't on my list of sexy black ladies, but singing-wise...I've really been wishing she would show up here for a concert. I would definitely buy a ticket. The stuff she puts on her CDs isn't my type of music but everytime she's gotten on TV she's blown me away. I can't believe something that good is on my screen! My mom complains that the black contestants on American Idol always seem to be praised by black judge Randy Jackson (and they really aren't) and fawned over by the audience, but I'm afraid there's a good reason for that. As I point out, the white contestants get the same microphone, stage and band to make an impact with, and the fact is my caucasian brothers and sisters by and large just don't "bring it" like the black contestants. Oftentimes their voices seem to be thinner and their delivery lacks emotional force. Whenever they do try to put some gusto in it the results are often laughable. Recently a white sister from Pennsylvania did her melanin-impaired best to funk it up, and Randy Jackson had to tell her, "That song was...a little too urban for you." Yeah, we get what you're saying, Randy. We know you're snickering inside!
So I'm afraid for bikini pictorials and amazing vocal performances the blacks are running away with the superlatives in my view. Am I turning black?
Turn black with Fantasia! |
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Posted by Art | 8:15 AM EST |
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Favorite male pop artists?
Anything Jammin', Mega, soul, R&B or rap. Ruben to Al Green and back again.
Favorite female pop artists?
Aretha, Kelly Clarkson, Paula Abdul
When did you first start to sing?
In my mama's crack womb
Do you have any formal singing training?
I have training in classical and opera.
What other talents do you have?
Skating/Acting. And others I'd rather not talk about.
If you don’t make it on AMERICAN IDOL, what will you do?
Pursue my career in Hamburger Services and Drive-Thru technology.
What are your personal goals in life?
To have constant love and applause while contributing absolutely nothing to the World.
What album would your friends be surprised you own?
Justin Guarini: The Early Years
Who is your AMERICAN IDOL?
Grandma (*no other answers are allowed in this category)
Do you have any rituals or things you do each time before you perform?
Eat, throw up, put on lipstick.
Most embarrassing moments?
Hit a high note and farted. Also, bra strap broke in Hollywood week.
What has been your proudest moment in life so far?
Giving birth to my large litter of puppies.
If you couldn’t sing, which talent would you most like to have?
Acting (*no other answer is acceptable)
What is your definition of AMERICAN IDOL?
A leader (A puppet on a string, preferably with a record contract.)
Who is your favorite judge and why?
I don’t have a favorite. They all have been very kind to me.
What would people be surprised to learn about you?
My skill at using sexual favors for fame.
How has this changed your life?
It has given me an opportunity I’ve been waiting for.
Do you have any lucky charms?
No. Just my monthly government check.
Who are your heroes in life?
Mother, grandmother (*another obligatory mention for grandmother)
What’s been your toughest obstacle in life?
Learning how to use a timeclock at work.
Do you think the audition process was fair?
If I win, yes. Otherwise screw it.
If you win, who will you thank first?
God Almighty. Or maybe Bruce Almighty...