Sunday I started thinking about things to do with my birthday money. My thoughts turned towards a new computer, since I had to go out of the way to find a keyboard that would work with my Windows ME-equipped Compaq Presario. (I only got this thing in 2001, you mean it's already outdated?!) However, when I looked at the current computer offerings everything is already equipped with the Microsoft Vista operating system, which seems to get the same crappy reviews as Windows ME. So I opted to hold off on getting a new PC.
As I was mulling that over the number of contemporary gadgets that, to my own surprise, I don't have a use for came to mind:
1.) iPod, or any MP3 player: I also thought about getting one of these. A $130 model holds 500 songs. For $6 I bought a CD wallet at Wal-Mart that holds 40 CDs. With an average of about 10 songs to a CD, I'm already holding 400 for $6, do I really need to spend another $124 to hold 100 more? My Panasonic portable CD player works like the day I got it, too.
2.) TiVo: TiVo is a miracle service that allows you to record TV programs and watch them whenever you want! You can even pause them when you want to go to the bathroom, or search through them to your favorite part. Isn't that miraculous? I've been doing that very thing since...1983. It's called a VCR. You can buy one for a one-time fee of $80 (TiVo is $20 a month or more) and do all of that same stuff. Videocassettes are $.50 apiece. Plus, the TiVo headquarters has a complete record of everything you've watched, everytime you've pushed a button on that remote. If I feel like telling the world I've watched Dayton's Secret Paradise I'll announce it here on my blog, I don't need TiVo headquarters making records and charging me out the ass.
3.) Blackberries and Palm Treos: These are "palm devices," but not the kind you order out of the back of Hustler. With these $300+ devices you can have the contact information of every one of your friends and co-workers within easy reach 24 hours a day, plus you can call them from anywhere!
Once again, I've had this capability for decades. It's called an address book. You can buy one for $1.25 at K-Mart. "Oh, Art, you silly hick! You can e-mail and browse the Internet with these things, too!" Browsing the Internet on a 4"x4" screen must be a real kick. I can e-mail from a regular PC and not spend half a day pushing teeny-weeny buttons with a toothpick to do it. As for making calls, any prepaid card phone that you pick up for $30 will do that. In fact all you really need a mobile phone for is emergencies, and a basic $30 card phone will get 911 even if you don't subscribe to a service.
It was my perception that most of the people who carry these palm devices are utterly unimportant, pretentious douchebags. The utterly unimportant, pretentious douchebags I've spoken to in my call center job who call in a huff about these things have done nothing to alter that perception. An amazing number of illiterate hot dog stand workers happily toss $300 for the equipment and $60 a month for the service. Gotta be able to get in contact with the ketchup and napkin vendors 24/7!
4.) Satellite Radio: Under "Radio" on the links of this site I have the blog of Mr. Lee Abrams. Abrams is the primary creative force behind XM Satellite Radio. I've been thinking about removing his blog from the links because I've only read it two or three times, and it's nothing but a free ad for his product.
The time or two I did read the blog it was quite a hoot because he goes on at length about how XM is changing the nature of broadcast media. "Terrestrial radio," a term no one had heard of or used until about four years ago, is outdated, predictable, lame, says Lee Abrams. While all of that may be so, he neglects to point out that he and his friends at XM are the very architects of that outdated, predictable, lame medium! All of the overplayed Classic Rock songs, the sweeps, the contests were all engineered by his Atlanta-based company Burkhart-Abrams back in the 1970's. And if you look at who's behind XM it's the identical players. Who are some of the cutting-edge unknowns he's confronting us with? Bob Dylan. Tom Petty. Oprah and Martha Stewart (or are they on Sirius? Whatever). The same people promoting the same old shit, only now they want to charge you $12 a month to listen. Fuck that!
5.) Music phones: We got a very fast and sketchy seminar at work about the new music downloading services that are going to be available to your cell phone the other day. You'll be able to browse a million songs, share playlists, etc., for just $12 a month! But if you want to buy the song so you can burn it it's $.79. Oh, and you'll need a $19.99 media package to keep from being charged hundreds for the download. So now you've got $32.78 tied up in downloading a song, with no artwork, nothing solid to hold in your hands, and unless you pay the $.79 you're only "renting" whatever you get.
For anywhere from $2.60 to $8 I can buy used CD's in excellent condition, and I own every song outright, plus I get a little cover without burning up my printer ink. If I get tired of a disc I can sell it at the used CD store or E-Bay and get a little cash back; it's not an outright loss like when I press "delete." They may even become collector's items!
For the record, if you sign up for this service when it launches, you are a sucker.
6.) OnStar, GPS services: I get calls from people all the time asking if Fitzsimmons offers GPS service (we don't). One customer told me how a friend had it through Sprint, and unbeknownst to their teenage daughter they could go to a Web site and trace exactly where she was down to the street block. "It's wonderful peace of mind for a parent." Yes, and unknowingly wearing an ankle bracelet like a convict must be a great way to experience life as a teen. And just because the GPS in the cell phone confirms she's at the church picnic, it doesn't confirm she ain't suckin' some dick while she's there.
Isn't it just great that OnStar knows where you are when you have a breakdown? In fact, isn't it great that most American cars are being fitted with black box tracking devices now? They'll always know where you're at! Who's They? I don't know! And neither do you! But They know where you are! I feel great.
Ditto these Magellan computerized map things. I'm still dazzled that Rand McNally.com can give me accurate directions free-of-charge (don't bother with Mapquest, it sucks). I won't be spending $200 to have a computer telling me what the guy behind the counter at the gas station can tell me. Or hey, how about a $2 map?!
7.) Netflix, movies by mail: This isn't a high-tech item but another modern "convenience" who's appeal eludes me. I was sincerely surpised when Webvan, the Internet grocery store, failed, but Netflix is the ridiculous idea that's succeeded.
Wanna see a movie? Sign up for our service for a monthly fee. Wait for the movie to be available. Wait for us to mail it. Watch it. Put it back in the mail to us, hope it doesn't get stolen. Wait for us to get it back. Order another. Wait...
...or just drive two miles to Blockbuster, rent it, return it within a week, forget it. Hmm...let's see...well I do want to see a movie.
Luddites rule!
Netflix is great too, you can decide how often you would view a dvd and choose the price package that makes the most sense, I hate the movie theatre experience, but I don't live with my parents so maybe for you it works better to get out of the house to see a movie. I don't wait but a day to get a movie and that works for me.
music phones...I have enough crap happening to my phone, dropping it, losing it, if I used it for music too, then one bad fall and I'd be shit out of luck in the phone and music department-when they make them better I would consider it.
when you lose your job and can spend 24 hours a day watching tv then invest in more reasons to sit on your ass
I find TiVo particularly idiotic. I had a VCR crap out on me a few months back and I dropped a whopping $40 for a 4-head replacement. If you don't want to watch commercials, try fast-forwarding!
I rarely rent movies. Anything I care to see I really would rather purchase. This doesn't mean that I have a lot of movies on DVD, it means that I don't give a shit about most movies. In fact, my porn DVD collection is much larger than my regular movie collection (and might I suggest viewing some cinema starring Tyla Wynn? I believe you would enjoy her cinematic attributes.)
I have a cell phone. I can make and accept calls on it. That's all I need it to do.
The problem's plain to see. Too much technology.
iPod - I like having my ENTIRE music collection with me. Whenever I feel like hearing "so and so" I don't have to hope it's in my little cd wallet. Maybe I want to watch an episode of the Simpson's while we're driving to NC. No problem with my iPod. I've got tv shows on there too. Maybe I'd like to play a game of Pac-man...no problem there either with my iPod. Show a bunch of pictures to my relatives on their tv? Yup, I can do that too. Enjoy the cd player.
TIVO/PVR's - TIVO is a service that uses a PVR (Personal video recorder). If you subscribe to the service they do indeed know what your watching. But it ain't to spy on you. It's to learn about your viewing habits and to suggest other shows you might be interested in. Let's suppose your a fan of Harrison Ford. You can set the tivo service up so that it records *anything* it finds on the TV with Harrison Ford. Maybe you like a particular director or writer. Once again you can have the TIVO do the work of finding and recording those shows for you. Maybe you want to catch every new episode of your favorite TV series. Tell the TIVO once to record all the new episodes and you can set it and forget it. Not to mention having the recording in pristine digital quality. Now if your *still* to nervous about someone tracking your viewing patterns you can buy a PVR without the tivo service. You don't have some of the advantages of the features I previously described but you won't have to worry about running out of .50 cent tape. With a PVR I can start my football game or tv show 30 minutes after it starts and then watch it LIVE being able to fast-forward through commericals. Pretty neat. Let's see your VCR do that.
Blackberry/SmartPhone/PDA - Some people actually do have a use for these. How many customers does Fitzsimmons have? I'd wager that you talk to less than 1% of the customer base. You here from the pretentious douchbags because they're the one's who are to technology inempt to figure out their gadget. Not everyone who owns one of these is a douche. Most people have them through their employer too so their is no cost to them.
Satelite Radio - The advantages I see to this is not having to deal with commercials (on some stations), having crystal clear reception and having a much larger variety of choices. I'm not really a radio guy period but if I was I think I would enjoy this far more than whatever is on the local dial...particularly if you travel.
GPS/OnStar - If you travel a lot this would be a major help. It's also kinda of hard to drive and read a map. With the voice guided directions your problems are solved. Plus the GPS units will tell you the location of service stations and restaurants. If you have to change your route at the last minute for whatever reason...no problem....the GPS will re-work the directions and get you to your destination via an alternate route.
If your not moving forward your going backwards. May you enjoy reliving '86 - '96 over and over and over.
I said some people have uses for Blackberries and Palm Treos, but they're in the minority. The guy I talked to who worked part-time for a parks and rec department who swore he couldn't do without his would be an example of one who carries it for looks. It's the new version of the old thing of carry a clipboard and people will think you're important. A $300 clipboard.
To have the right CD on hand I only need to think ahead about my road trip (although the traveling TV part sounds...nah, I wouldn't use that). Yes, it's hard to read a map while driving, that's why I pull over and use a parking lot. Run out of $.50 tape -- think ahead of what I want to record. Tape a whole season at once -- read the TV schedule and dedicate the extra 30 seconds to setting the timer.
It's not reliving 1986-1996, it's realizing what has real use and value and what's novelty designed to vacuum dollars from your wallet. It's about saving money for the things that really shine.
"A fool and his money are soon parted." -- Benjamin Franklin