As I approach my fifth year at the call center, I'm moving to my fifth manager and fourth desk. There's a bit of a story in all of this, but today I'll focus on the desk, and the incredible drama involved in getting a wet nap at one of the largest companies in the world.

Usually when the ducks begin to molt and we're all switched around to different desks again, Fitzsimmons puts out a bottle of Clorox wipes so we can kill the germs left behind on the keyboards and mice by our non-tidy co-workers. The desk I've been moved to has an unidentifiable brown, sticky substance that looks either like sorghum syrup or melted peanut butter brittle. There was also a sploch of what is probably chocolate but, you know, you never know. So I went looking for wet naps. I asked the nearest manager, then another, but neither had wet naps. They said I might approach the call center director's secretary, but she's reputed to be pretty tight with the wet naps. Hmm...okay.

So I approached Joyce, the secretary, and asked her if she had any wet naps. She said she only had one bottle, and she could only give them to managers. There were only 75 and that's all she had for the whole call center. Okay, so I needed to ask my manager for one, and she could then get a few and pass them to me? Well, there's only 75, and that's for the whole call center, so she can only give them to managers...okay, you were just saying this. I get it. You can't give me a wet nap, I have to have a manager get them. Shut up already!

"Valerie, I'm told you are the only person who has the security clearance to get us wet naps," I told my manager (she's in the Navy part-time, and really does have a government security clearance...wet naps may or may not be involved). "Joyce says you have to ask for them. Now, just don't tell her they're for me." Valerie seemed a little weirded out by this, but said she would ask. I told her I would be in hiding, and crouched down in a cubicle until the deal could be made.

I came out of my crouch and found Valerie without wet naps. She said, "Joyce is gone to get them. It may be a few minutes." Oh, I see, she's obviously processing the paperwork and making sure we had the correct signatures.

Finally Valerie arrived with the wet naps. I turned and put my hand behind my back and said, "Is she looking? Okay, pass `em to me!" I had asked for three but Valerie said she would give me two. I said if I had known we were negotiating I would've asked for four so I could've gotten three. As all of this was transpiring I thought, On his first day at his new job, Scott got a Blackberry and a laptop. On my fifth year at this job I can't even get a wet nap!

Yes, Fitzsimmons is one of the largest corporations in America. And they got there by being stingy with wet naps.