I work in customer service, which is surprising, because you couldn't find a worse personality for it. In my day-to-day life I'm completely laid back and tolerant, but in the customer service world people start asking you questions with obvious answers in circles on and on and on, and it turns out to be my mental Achilles heel. I have no patience for that, and I start wondering if these people are calling me from a mental home. How can you be so stupid and not live under a bridge?

Which brings me to the post office yesterday. I had exactly one envelope to put in the mail, so I showed up in my raggedy sweat clothes intending to use the self-service stamp machine, dump my package in the mail and leave before anyone saw me, heading home to do some treadmill time.

There was a lady at the machine, and a post office employee there looking over her shoulder. I had used this machine dozens of times. Did it really require a helper?

So I stepped up. A screen came up asking if I was mailing any explosives. I pushed "yes," thinking I was confirming I wasn't mailing any explosives. Whoops, the question was, "Are you mailing any explosives?," not, "Do you confirm you are not mailing explosives?" Smelling a shithead, the post office employee immediately stepped forward to ask if I needed help. Hey, so I was a little quick on the draw with that last question, I know how to use this thing!

I started over. It said my package would be $.79 to mail. Fine. So I went to the next screen, which said, "Would you like a.) a $.79 stamp and a $.42 stamp?, b.) a $.79 stamp and a $8 booklet of stamps or c.) to mail another package in addition to this one?" I pressed "No thanks." The computer said, "Anything else I can help you with?" YEAH, WHERE'S MY FUCKING STAMP?!

So I did it AGAIN, and this time realized that unlike in the past, my total order had to be over $1, so the machine was making me buy something else. So I clicked to get the $.42 stamp I had no use for in addition to my $.79 stamp.

It then showed an image of a mailing label and said, "Will this fit your package?" I knew it wouldn't, but by now two ladies were behind me in line waiting and the post office guy was trying to talk me through this like I was an old lady as I stood there looking homeless, unshaven and in threadbare sweatclothes. I wasn't ready to enter another menu and can of worms about label and package sizes. I hit that the stamp would fit my package and waited for it to print, and got...only my $.42 stamp. Where's the $.79 stamp? Oh, there it was, emerging from another slot, and it was huge. The post office tutor awkwardly wrapped it around the envelope for me.

I told him what I told you, that I work in customer service and constantly wonder where the world's idiots come from. I guess we become what we mock.

I swear I've used that machine two dozen times and was always in and out in a flash.