"Only two people are meeting their adherence scores on our team, and one of them is Art."

Yea! Clap clap clap clap.

This was from my manager at our team huddle meeting last week. "Adherence" means not only did I score in the top 99% for written and verbal skills on the SAT and the Regent's tests, but I also know how to take my breaks and lunches on time, thus "adhering" to my schedule. Thank you; I'm mighty proud.

Except don't congratulate me too fast. Just Wednesday I got a copy of my clock ins-and-outs on my desk with a red "F" on it -- I'm only making 88% adherence! Oh, my! How could this happen?

If you're more than 10 minutes late or early for a scheduled break, you're not adhering. Of course, if a call comes in at two minutes `til break (and I'm in three cues so I've always got a call), you have to take it. If it's some 77 year old shit-for-brains who has to be told everything twice and wants detailed information on every single icon on their fucking cell phone screen, you have to sit there and give it. Now that the call has ran for 25 minutes, you are not adhering, and this means you are a douchebag. So are you supposed to hang up on the customer at break time? No, that would be a "zero call". Should you leave for break early? No, this is strongly discouraged, and could result in not adhering again.

I told my boss she could use that same spreadsheet she uses to see how much I'm hitting my Call Work button for potty breaks to see I was talking to customers!

Grossman, my honky compatriot in the call center, is in a similar jam. If a call disconnects for whatever reason, you have to call the customer back. However, call-outs count against you just as though you were sitting under a shady oak tree in the parking lot stroking your cock. So Grossman called a customer back per policy and wound up being stuck with some old coot for an hour, and thus his availability -- how often he was available to customers -- was about 67% for the next day, even though he was following directions and talking to a customer! Due to shit like this he's gone from being asked to assist with training (as I was), to having a "final written warning," which means he can't apply to any other job in the call center or the company for an entire year. Yep.

Another lady in my group: they measure how often we use this particular software interface with customers, as we're supposed to use it every call. She says hers hasn't worked in a month. She discussed it with our manager, and says she put in two IT tickets through two different sites on the company Intranet, as well as called the company IT 800 number. She still doesn't have the interface, and she got counted off on all her calls for it! When she pointed this out to our manager she said the manager said, "Why didn't you pursue it more?" WHAT THE FUCK?!

In the meantime my pal Sharon got canned from her IT job last week (she doesn't work for the company I do), and already has another one, not even a week later. I sent her my resume and she sent it back with her recommendations. Apparently a lack of sans-serif fonts is what's been holding me back. She also made the unusual recommendation I should remove any awards I have and instead put "goals and accomplishments". Aren't awards accomplishments? Who knows. I've implemented her suggestions before to no effect, but I'll implement some more. Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic might at least provide a walk-through and more eye-pleasing use of space before you hit the iceberg.

That's what it's like at the call center.

2 Comments:

 Anonymous said...

This is absolutely brillant, Art. You've got the first chapter of the next great American postmodern novel here. Work it.

9:17 PM, June 07, 2007  

 Art said...

You really enjoyed this? I was afraid this might have been an "Inside Baseball" post, kind of like my latest as of 6/7.

Fuck all the detractors, Rankin' Rob digs my style!

9:26 PM, June 07, 2007  

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