If anyone tells you converting VHS tapes to DVD is easy, shun them for life. They're liars! I'm on my second round of trying to do this and I swear I've never been so tested by a task.

Back in 2003 my dad got a computer with a DVD burner. I was excited to get at it. I figured I could plug a VCR into some RCA ports and the computer would convert the signal to digital and I could burn away, just as I had done with my audio cassettes. A quick scan of the ports revealed this was not so! I needed something to convert the video between the VCR and computer.

So I went to Micro Center where they're supposed to be expert on such things. Apparently I was the first person ever to raise this question, as they had no idea what I needed. Finally I got something that looked like a Fisher-Price toy called a Dazzler.

First, with the Dazzler the picture and audio were out of sync. Then three hours of video would play back in 30 seconds. Finally I got something recorded but the results looked like shit. I then found out the Dazzler was not considered DVD quality even though it recorded in MPEG2. I returned it and got another thing called a ATI TV Wonder.

Now that I had something to convert the signal, I found out the capturing and burning software bundled with the HP computer, was incompatible with the HP computer! So I called CompUSA to find out if they had a program I read about called MyDVD. The guy in India said they didn't, but I was sure I remembered seeing some on the shelves. I drove down and found three boxes. Bought it, got home, discovered it couldn't capture analog video. Another return!

A friend recommended a Roxio capturing program, so I got that for $100. I then found out the Roxio's capture feature conflicted with the ATI's capture driver. So I had to use the HP's bundled software to capture, then edited and burned with the Roxio program.

Now on a tape of our old band the ATI was losing the signal, saying "no input detected." I bought a booster at Radio Shack, and that worked...mostly. In some spots the upper 1/3 of the screen was turning dark purple. Thinking I might have a bad software install I spent hours trying to remove the ATI and reinstall it. Someone on a Internet forum told me no, what the problem was was the ATI would mistake a weak old VHS signal as Macrovision protection, to stop the bootleg copying of movies. There were drivers that would get me around this...somewhere on the `net.

Then on another tape the audio level was so hot it was about to blow the speakers. I got my old 4-track to bring the level down. Then I noticed I was missing 50% of the audio on some tapes. I realized these were stereo recordings and I had a mono plug, so I had to go to Radio Shack yet again.

After two weeks of full-time effort I got two DVDs made. I was so sick of it that I took a five-year break.

2008

I was wondering how old Van Halen concerts had been bootlegged to DVD so well, and several forumites pointed to something called a Canopus ADVC 110. It was a professional quality converter that also ignored Macrovision. I finally spent $240 to get one and couldn't wait to try it on my new computer.

The Canpous ADVC 11o requires a Firewire port. My dad's computer from 2003 has a Firewire port. My new computer from 2008...does not.

FUCK!

Back to Micro Center for a Firewire card. Open my computer up...I have no PCI expansion slots. I guess it's because it's a business model. Sigh...

So now I have to dub video on dad's computer, which is on its last legs, then save it to a portable hard drive to load into my computer to edit because his can't handle it anymore. So now I've got a project done, but I couldn't get the Roxio burning software bundled with my computer to install. Finally I did what someone recommended about editing registry keys to uninstall the Roxio completely, and then the computer stopped booting up at all, it would just loop in restarts. Finally I got it in Safe mode and did a system restore, and which point the Roxio software finally appeared.

Except now the Roxio DVD burning software bundled with my computer says "certificate file corrupted" and won't go into DVD making mode. This is a known issue all over the Internet, and no one has a resolution. The other Roxio program I bought in 2003 can only burn a DVD if it was edited in Roxio, I think, but it can't burn a raw Video_TS file.

I've managed to avoid committing suicide over of all of this, but I'm going to give it one more try this weekend, and if this doesn't work...well, hide the sharp objects, and thank God we don't keep guns around. I can't take any more.