All this year I've been providing you with three scintillating tales a week. However I've fallen down on the job just lately, partly because my new computer crapped out. So how about the riveting story of the efforts I've made to get it fixed?

As previously reported, I was on the Hewlett-Packard site downloading the latest BIOS update and chipset thingamajigs when a black DOS screen opened itself up, the CPU indicator went to a freon green, and then the thing went kaput, never to power on again. I took it to Micro Center where they said they couldn't get the fancy-pants, high end Asus brand motherboard it had, so I would have to go back to the point of sale. I bought it from Best Buy Business online, so I took it to Best Buy's "Geek Squad."

The young man behind the...did I just refer to someone as a "young man?"...anyhow, the guy behind the counter at Best Buy seemed much more eager to please than the arrogant, ball-bouncing dick lick at Micro Center. He plugged in some cables and did a few tests to confirm it had, in fact, died. He said they would send it off to Hewlett-Packard and I should have it back in a week-and-a-half or two weeks.

The next morning I typed the service order number he gave me into the Geek Squad site and it said I didn't have a valid order number. Looking closer at the form, he also didn't have my correct model number entered in. Was I about to get back someone else's computer while mine went who knows where?

I called the local Best Buy and after several minutes and two or three attempts I finally got a member of the Geek Squadron. They said the computer had been mailed out and as for the model being correct...eh..."it should be fine." Come on, now! I work in customer service! I know how these "it should be fine" stories go! Oh, well, too late now. The Best Buy person gave me my correct order number, though, and I started watching my computer's progress on the site.

A little over two weeks later I saw it was on it's way back to me. I called the store, and they said that HP had told them that since my computer was considered commercial class, they couldn't honor the warranty if Best Buy fixed it. So Best Buy sent it back to me unfixed. Don't they have this scenario down like breathing? Don't other customers who bought off the business site ever bring computers in for fixin'? I thought they were sending it to Hewlett-Packard anyway, right?

Oh, well. Thanks. Ah, but wait! The kid behind the counter today had something else for me: a $79.94 charge for "diagnostics." WHAT?! I looked at the "diagnosis," and it said, "Computer won't power on." I knew that when I brought it in! He told me that wasn't he detailed report, and showed me the "activity log," which showed the computer was shipped, agent XK4589RB handed it over to agent 54YG90, and they called Hewlett-Packard who said they couldn't honor the warranty through Best Buy, and then they sent it back to the store. Sorry, I'm not paying $80 for that! The youngster said he would go get his manager.

My next question to him was going to be, "If I grab this CPU and run toward the door, are their any plainclothes security guys here that will tackle me?" If the answer was "no," I was about to run for it. Instead he came out and said, "You're cool" and I merrily left with my $80 still in my pocket and my doorstop computer in my arms.

Today I called HP directly, and they said they could either send me a new computer, no charge to return the other one, or they could send out an on-site technician ASAP! Unbelievable! I guess this is part of what you get for the business class service, which is why I intend to go business class from now on! If their system actually works this efficiently I shall shat my shorts.

So that's what's been going on. Next: how about I bitch about Fitzsimmons Wireless some more? I've got lots of fresh, crappy anecdotes to serve up! Grab your plate!