"Now when you go in here, he's going to touch your ding-dong. It's okay." That was my mom taking me to see the pediatrician when I was five. Indeed, he did touch my ding-dong, and it became the benchmark, in my mind, for a thorough checkup.

Later, when I was 19, I had appendicitis, although I didn't know that yet. When I was in the emergency room the examining doctor stuck his finger up my ass but found no problems (I hope my sphincter was clean...I don't recall him complaining).

Friday, on the recommendation of my pal Scott right here on this blog, I went for the first checkup I've had in 18 years. I did not go to the doctor Scott recommended, however. I called a doctor another friend recommended and got the new guy in his office, since the main doctor was booked up.

This doctor neither touched my penis nor offered to stick his finger in my butt, and I feel ripped off for it. In fact he hardly did a damn thing but charge me $15 for asking how was I feeling, how was my job, and were my parents doing well? I could've gotten that from a co-worker for free!

First the nurse weighed me with my clothes on, and I'm just as fat as the scale at home says. Then she took my blood pressure. I have no idea what the readout was, but her eyes didn't bulge out of her head and she didn't call for an ambulance, so I guess it must've been all right.

Then the doctor came in. He appeared early 40's-ish, and used the word "dude" a lot. I don't know if this was his normal manner of speaking or if he was trying to relate to his patient, who was the only person without a facefull of crinkles in the waiting room.

I did tell him that I had a couple of weeks of ass pain from the chair at work, and he offered to examine my tailbone, which he said looked okay. There was still no digital insertion, however. What did I have to do to score with this guy?!

He then tickled me head to toe, flashed his light in my eyes and listened to me breathe with his stethoscope. Everything seemed okay. He did tell me that my body mass index put me on the borderline for heart disease and diabetes. Did I work out? I think a quick look at my chubby cheeks and belly would've answered that question. Well, he gets up at 5 a.m. every day to work out six days a week, and we all should, too! Surrre...I'll look into it...not.

I asked him if I'd need to pee in a cup or if he'd be taking any blood. No, since it was the afternoon my readings could be off, so that would be done at a later early-morning appointment. WHAT?! I would've taken a morning appointment if I knew this was going to call for two trips!

The nurse returned and I figured she was going to do the heavy lifting of an x-ray for cancer or something, but instead she just gave me a tetanus shot and my receipt.

So before I knew it I was back on the street with some friendly small talk about my job and family, a quick tickle-down, a look-over with the stethoscope, and a tetanus shot. No cock flopping, no blood or urine samples taken, no x-rays, no eye exam, no hearing test. These days I guess if you're healthy enough to make the appointment, show up on time and reach for your wallet, you pass.

I should see if my old pediatrician is taking patients over 18.