Did you think I had forgotten? Not at all! Just in time for Election Day 2006 I have yet another calamity that was not the fault of our Lord and Saviour, George W. Bush, Jr.

Despite a memo entitled, according to Condoleeza Rice, "Osama bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside the United States," and pleading for a serious meeting from terrorism expert Richard Clark, America suffered September 11, 2001. Something like 15 of the 19 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia so immediately our mission was clear: we had to attack Iraq.

Now, crazy Libs, who have been influenced by Tom Brokaw and his cocktail party ilk, might have said, "Iraq? Didn't we have a war there for a couple of weeks back in 1990? Isn't Saddam Hussein a bonus question in Trivial Pursuit these days?" Some may have even said crazy things like, "If the hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, why are we attacking Iraq?"

Colin Powell marched to the U.N. with some damn good reasons, mister! How about a invoice from the Nigerian government showing Saddam had bought raw uranium, which is used to make nuclear weapons?! Yeah! Stick THAT evidence in your pipe and smoke it, my friend!

Except even as Colin was exiting the limo at the U.N. a New Yorker reporter, Seymour "Sy" Hersh, had published an article where the "invoice" was proven to be a hoax, for the Nigerian official who's signature it bore actually had not been in office in a decade!


And later even Colin had to admit, yes, he had been rooked. The invoice was a load of horseshit. But who to blame? First it was the British Secret Service, but then we found a different guy to blame: CIA head Leon Panetta. He was purged from office, and a new imperative for war was found.

No, it turned out it wasn't nukes we were afraid Saddam had, it was biochemical weapons. So much stuff it could only be measured in metric TONS, Rumsfeld told us! Holy geez! We better get after him!

Except two military guys who had already scoured the country with teams of thousands of men, Scott Ritter and Hans Blix, said there was absolutely no evidence of biochemical weapons anywhere in the country. Bush, Jr. and crew were just sure they'd missed a spot, and weren't interested in anyone's offer to do one more inspection.

So off they went to Shock n' Awe them, and no doubt a few civilians who weren't quick on their feet lost an arm or leg or a life here and there. But it was all for a good cause, to save us from...well now it wasn't biological weapons, it was the weapons of mass destruction, which means anything more severe than a slingshot.

Saddam's Toxic Avengers came after us just like we knew they would: farmers in Toyota trucks with hunting rifles. Just like the Allies making cheese of Hitler our enormous tanks and helicopters and fighter jets set the Toyota truck Army on it's ass, and the neo-con baby boomers felt like they had big cocks just like their dads did after World War II. We stood in the middle of Baghdad and popped the cork on the champagne bottle and told anyone who wasn't cheering that they were anti-American and ruining troop morale, for we had just defeated Hitler II!

Over in North Korea Kim Jong License II Il announced he, without a doubt, had nuclear weapons and was ready to send them anyone's way that fucked with him. Bush said we would use diplomacy.

And then things started blowing up in Iraq, often U.S. soldiers. These Iraqis had a funny way of greeting their liberators, almost like they considered them invaders! Some of the crazy Libs started scratching their heads and wondering where the weapons of mass destruction were. Every now and then a jar of mustard gas about the size of a French's budget bottle would be found on a roadside, and this would be held as the several hundred metric tons we had been told about. But it sure seemed strange a country with a paramecium bomb behind every door would hold off on opening any of it until their ass was thoroughly kicked.

But so things started blowing up, and with no WMD's to show the doubters back home, many started asking why we were there in the first place. And now we were told we were fighting the terrorists on their own turf! This was all a clever distraction tactic, you see (this is now the third or fourth alternate reason we've been given for this war, if you're keeping score at home). Meanwhile back home Colin Powell had to confess Saddam Hussein had no involvement in 9/11 that he knew of, and he in fact had highly-placed sources that said Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were two different guys!

As we were fighting them on their own turf, train stations exploded on the turf of our allies, Spain and Britain. These terrorists were a focused bunch of buggers.

Never fear, our LAS George W. Bush, Jr. had a few signposts by which we could measure our victory that would surely be met. We'll visit those tomorrow.

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