I kept going to the International House of Pancakes long after I should have stopped because the whiff of coffee and maple syrup wafts through a lot of my best memories. As a youth all of our trips to the beach or Disney World started with a visit to the Pancake House, as we called it. Later, as a late teen/early twenty-something, my friends and I usually stopped there after a big concert or performing one of our own thinly-attended shows.

I maintained a weekly IHOP schedule right up until 2000, when I finally looked down at my plate one evening and realized something I should've noticed years earlier: the food had been sucking for a long time and was vastly overpriced.

In the 1970's a IHOP omelet was perfectly rolled, steaming hot and topped with a thick skin of cheddar cheese. By 2000 you could've drank the omelets with a straw they were so runny, and the cheddar cheese was virtually nonexistent. What little there was was ice cold and looked like the cook had pinched the smallest amount possible. And the pancakes? In the 1970's they were a good seven inches across, half-an-inch thick and cooked a nice medium brown. Starting in the mid-90's IHOP started treating pancake batter like it was a pricey commodity and didn't think you would notice if your short stack was suddenly the size of a sand dollar and barely browned. For this you paid "only" $12. My parents could remember getting good food there for $1.25! Plus the local one is across the street from the big trailer park in town and it seems that's where the wait staff emanates from.

So I boycotted IHOP for years, until last November when my parents got me in there after voting. To my surprise, IHOP seemed to have rebounded. I got a ham n' cheese melt, i.e. an omelet on toast, and it was awesome! I've had them a few more times lately and they were memorably great.

Then came tonight. First, for some reason, 50% of the population doesn't know coffee can burn. Yes, if you leave it over an eye too long, coffee will burn and taste like shit. I never, ever complain or send things back in restaurants, but I sent this pot of singed sludge back.

Now I've got ice water. How about a straw? Do I have to point out that you drink cold drinks with straws?

Now here comes my omelet. Mmmm! Looks good! It probably was...seven or eight minutes ago when it was hot. By the time it got to the table it was nearly room temperature. Not only that, but as well as the cheddar, which they at least melt these days, it was filled with some other kind of gross, cream cheese ooze. GOD it was nasty! I usually polish off an omelet no matter how bad it is, but this was something they could torment prisoners at Gitmo with.

Oh, well, you can't screw up pancakes right? Wrong! Actually the pancakes were all right, but do I really have to ASK for syrup when I'm eating pancakes? Hello?! There was something on the table marked "Hot Syrup" that wasn't hot. I took a chance that it was maple, but my hunch was correct: it was some kind of grape pancake syrup. Some might consider my tastes mundane, but in my world syrup comes in one flavor only, and that's maple. On top of that, why would you put grape syrup in a bottle that wasn't marked grape? Pay attention to the label on the container you're pouring stuff in! Do you pour Clorox bleach into a bottle that says hand soap?

The staff tries extra hard to smile and be friendly, probably to cover for the fact they know their food is hit-and-miss, but it ain't workin'. There's a barbecue place around here with lots of late teen and twenty-something waitresses who wear nice tight jeans, and a Italian place where several of the waitresses look like supermodels. At this IHOP I get the feeling some of the staff is on some sort of working-back-into-society program from the state pen. How about some hot women?

Basically I would say IHOP is Waffle House-quality food and ambiance at Longhorn Steaks prices. The past couple of meals paved the way, and this one proved it: IHOP is sliding back into its old rut.

Maybe a IHOP exec trolls the Internet for posts like this offering coupons to disgruntled bloggers. If you've got some Cracker Barrel coupons I'll take `em.