Because all my teeth were still in my mouth and in the correct order, I hadn't been to a dentist since 1998. However, I had felt some tiny chips and a bit of puffiness in my gums lately despite brushing, flossing and gargling daily, so I made an appointment for a cleaning.

I called the dentist my parent's used, but there was no answer at his office, so I looked elsewhere. Though the Internet seemingly gives us access to every kind of information, I couldn't find any sites with comprehensive reviews of dentists. So I just looked at the dentists available in my area through my employer's dental plan and picked a name that sounded good. I found a female dentist who had a last name similar to that of a nice old man that used to live in the neighborhood, and that became my criteria for picking a dentist.

Friday morning I arrived at her office 8:50 a.m. sharp. On the phone I had said I wanted a cleaning and put that on the paperwork, as well. They said they would do a "comprehensive exam." Okay, a thorough exam in addition to a cleaning would be a great thing.

They wrapped a lead vest around me and hosed me down with no less than 18 x-rays, so I guess I'll be able to get to the bathroom without a night light for the next couple of weeks. Then the dentist made her appearance and picked at my gums. She said that the fillings I had gotten in my teens were wearing down and loosening, and since they were so deep she would have to replace them with full crowns. Oh. Okay. So is this where you spray me with baking soda? Just a pinch between the cheek and gum should do.

Instead of giving me the baking soda, she shook my hand and said nice to have met me. Uh...okay, so the assistants must do the heavy lifting. She told me to go to the room down the hall. The cleaning room, right?

No, it was a small office where another lady presented me with an itemized list of dental work they thought I needed totalling over $5,000, while at the same time saying my teeth were in great shape, considering. My insurance would cover a little over $1,000 of it, and if I needed financing they could get that underway immediately. Uh...thanks, but I'll have to give that plenty of thought. So are we doing any baking soda today? No, they didn't think a regular cleaning would do any good right now. I needed $5,000 worth of work first. So should they follow up with me in a week? No. As a matter of fact, fuck no.

So there you go. Fifteen dollars to get a shakedown. Not one drop of baking soda or fluoride touched my teeth in the entire encounter.

Hooray for capitalism, but you sometimes have to wonder if communism wouldn't eradicate some of this crap. Capitalism is supposed to inspire people to create superior products and services, but it seems it mostly inspires people to create new horseshit ways to separate you from your money. If she got a flat fee as a dentist, she would've had no incentive to waste an hour-and-a-half of my time with an upsell. She'd just squirt her baking soda and get her government stipend, and my teeth would be tidy! Seems like every doctor or dentist I meet lately is some sort of scamming young upstart who does little but hand me a receipt for their non-services.

At least my teeth are still in my mouth in the correct order.